By Ben Alper, Boston Herald, December 2, 2006

3 Dec 2006 // As usual, the recent elections are bringing new faces and old cries for ethics reform to Washington. Nancy Pelosi’s goal to drain the swamp is admirable but raises expectations too high. Voters will be thrilled if she can merely skim the swamp for bugs.

Realistic and achievable ethics rules would immediately affect how lawmakers conduct their business - both monkey and congressional.

Here are some less-challenging rules designed for the ethically challenged.

Jack Murtha rule: No congressman shall be filmed in a Motel 6 while looking at a briefcase full of unmarked bills. Special consideration will be given if the legislator restocks the minibar using his own campaign funds.

Mark Foley rule 1: Lawmakers and congressional pages may not share a hot tub without a chaperone.

Mark Foley rule 2: A GOP congressman may not announce he is gay within three months of an election.

William Jefferson rule: Named for the Louisiana congressman who was caught with $90,000 in his refrigerator, it allows lawmakers to store their lunches in Jefferson’s fridge but prohibits them from using it to break $1,000 bills.

Randy Duke Cunningham rule: Named for the jailed California congressman who accepted more payoffs than a Third World border guard, it prohibits lawmakers from renting or purchasing an apartment inside a lobbyist’s back pocket.

Patrick Kennedy rule: Congressmen stopped for almost hitting a Capitol Police car and then plowing into a security barrier shall be entitled to one press conference announcing they have a substance-abuse problem.

Tom Delay rule: Lawmakers may not persuade other lawmakers to change their votes by twisting their arms counterclockwise.

President Josiah Bartlet rule: Lawmakers may not seek the endorsement of a fictional political figure on a cancelled TV show, even if most of their constituents won’t know the difference.

Disgraced Ohio Rep. Bob Ney rule: A congressman must resign if his name is preceded with the word “disgraced” for more than three consecutive news cycles.

Bill Clinton rule: Just because Bill Clinton can get away with it doesn’t mean anyone else will.

Don Sherwood rule: Named for the Pennsylvania congressman who lost a re-election bid while admitting he’d been unfaithful to his wife, it states that choking your former Peruvian mistress whom you’ve paid $500,000 for her silence is not forbidden but not recommended.

Curt Weldon rule: Named for the Pennsylvania congressman who failed to win re-election while being accused of trading political influence for lobbying and consulting contracts for his daughter, it forbids favoring one lobbyist offspring over another.

Jack Abramoff rule 1: Lawmakers may not attend more than two Jack Abramoff meet-and-greet prison barbecues per year.

Jack Abramoff rule 2: A congressman may not be paid a political donation from an Indian casino in Wampum Rewards.

What will it take for Congress to get its ethical act together? We shouldn’t tolerate congressional fact-finding missions in the Bahamas that include romp and circumstances with Haliburton hostesses. But after convening for more than 200 years, do we really want to see what’s at the bottom of the swamp?